I’m too fat. At 32, with a 34 (going on 36 inch) waist, I’m at that point in my life where I’ve started to spot a link between my lifestyle and the potential for an early death. It’s not looking good. I’ve always drunk quite a lot and have smoked a fair bit too. I can’t believe it’s come to this but I’m going to have to start doing some exercise.

I have occasionally dabbled in the world of exercise, but never for longer than it took for the excitement about the gadgets I’d bought to make me do some exercise in the first place ran out. I bought a nice silver mountain bike once. Rode it to my office (not a nice experience: sweating through the zone of football hooliganism and waste incineration that circles my flat) and promptly got the train back home because I was too timid to attempt the return journey in the dark. As far as I know the bike is still in the bike shed outside the office. The Idler left that office three years ago.

I do like swimming. Well, I like being in a swimming pool and slopping about rather than swimming itself which becomes incessantly boring when you do lengths for half an hour, which is the amount of time you’re supposed to swim for. I’ve also recently discovered that the pool I used to go to is also known as a gay pick up joint. Something that was brought to the attention of a close pal of mine when he was getting changed while a man in the opposite cubicle began fondling his erect penis and leering suggestively.

So, after years of laughing at the stupidity of people bouncing up and down the road in ill-fitting shorts with embarrassing expressions on their faces, I’ve decided to start jogging.

Apart from anything else I’m literally risking my livelihood by writing this, being deputy Editor of the Idler and all, but I’ve fallen for the media scare stories and don’t want to die of cancer of the heart attack at the age of 36. So there’s nothing for it.

All I need are the appropriate gadgets:

1: Asics trainers.

I know I need Asics trainers because when I went to the cricket at the Oval recently KP was wearing Asics. All athletes wear Asics. Look for yourself, its true.

2: An ipod.

I know I need an ipod because every person I’ve ever seen jogging has one and a new one has just come out that’s only £99. Listening to the Foo Fighters and Jane’s Addiction while jogging is the only way I can think of to make it bearable.

3: One of those drinking water bottle things.

4: A new Ventolin inhaler.

The first time I went jogging was with a mate when we were 13. We jogged down to the ford, had a few fags and ran home again. He had an asthma attack a few minutes later and had to have the day off school. I don’t want to die while trying to prevent myself from suffering and early death so I’ve got to get a new inhaler.

The beauty of this list is the potential for procrastination contained within it. Asics trainers cost money so I can now wrestle with my financial conscience for quite a while before buying a pair. Ditto the ipod. The Ventolin inhaler requires getting a doctor’s appointment, it’s nearly Friday and I’m quite busy so I’ll think about doing that on Monday. The bottle of water I can get straight away to prove to myself I’m serious about starting jogging.

I think you’ll agree that so far things are going really well.

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