So far things are progressing. Well, in a manner of speaking. I’ve got an iPod (a pal went to New York last week and kindly bought me one back) but I still don’t have the water bottle or new Ventolin inhaler, at least not yet.

 

I couldn’t afford Asics trainers (I have a bit of a cashflow problem at the moment) but decided to use some walking type trainers I got in May instead. They may be a bit heavy on account of being designed for scaling mountains rather than for jogging on tarmac, but the only other shoes I have are seven pairs of Vans slip ons I get cheap from an outlet store in Portsmouth. The last time I ran in a pair of slip on Vans (across Regent’s Park a few years ago) I spent the following week limping in agony because everything under my skin from my waist down felt like it had been forcibly removed, set on fire and then stuffed back randomly into my hollowed out limbs. Anyway, having got the iPod and shoes I admit that by now I should have been jogging, at last once.

 

If only it was that simple.

 

Last week I decided to spend a bit of time questioning the presumption that if I start jogging and take regular exercise I will definitely live longer than if I make no lifestyle change at all. I’m not going to let myself be hoodwinked by the health Police that easily. There’s always an off chance that they’re exaggerating and if they are then I want to know. So I decided to embark on some research.

 

I soon discovered that their are many cons as well as pros to this kind of exercise. According to my research (talking to mates over a few ales, wikipedia and a few Guardian articles) jogging, it could reasonably be argued, is actually bad for your health. Here are the cons that I have now unearthed:

 

1. Jogging is really, really bad for your knees. There’s no point in being fit if it means spending the rest of my life walking with a limp.

 

2. It’s wrist-slittingly tedious.

 

3. In London I already inhale vast amounts of pollution into my lungs but because you breathe in so hard when jogging these nasty air borne cancer causing agents can get right down into the cosiest corners of your wind bags where they do even more damage. Apparently.

 

4. It’s really bad for you to run on an empty stomach or if you’re dehydrated because that can damage your vital organs, which pretty much rules out my idea of running first thing in the morning. My plan had been to start running before I’d properly woken up so that by the time I actually realised I was running I would be so far from my bed that in order to get back into it as quickly as possible I would have to run back to it. A process I imagined would take about 15 minutes in total, which seemed like a good start. That’s now out though, unless I get up an hour earlier in order to eat and drink before going out jogging - but that’s simply not going to happen in a million fucking years. I can’t go jogging later in the day because by then I’ve always come to my senses.

 

5. Then there’s ‘equilibrium’. It’s bad to disturb your bodies ‘equilibrium’ according to the doctors. Bodies don’t like to be shocked it seems. Exercise is like a smack addiction. The more you do the more your body needs to do. If, like me, you do bugger all normally but every now and then succumb to guilt and decide to do some then there’s a fair chance you’re doing yourself more damage than if you don’t bother at all. If, on the other hand, you have always exercised then you should carry on because your body will now have got used to it and will be ‘shocked’ if you suddenly stop. So if you just say ‘no’ to start with then you won’t find yourself unable to stop some time in the future.

 

6. Finally the human body is an amazing thing and can cope amazingly well even if you show it nothing but total and utter contempt. So if you don’t live the perfect healthy lifestyle it will probably still be able to manage.

 

 

I reckon that if I totally knock the fags on the head (which I have done for the last three months) cut down on the booze (beer is what gives you man-boobs by the way) and eat more fruit and veg then I won’t have to start jogging to make myself healthier.

 

So it seems I have two choices. Start jogging and ignore medical science, become boring, knacker my knees and disturb my bodies equilibrium or sit on the sofa eating carrot sticks and blueberries . Hmm. I wonder which one I’ll pick...

 

Since my last post:

 

I have joined facebook. Not because I secretly want to have sex with someone I used to go to school with but so I can play scrabble against my friends Kev and Sue. I think I’m going to take myself off it though because they both know loads of two letter words and they’re kicking my ass constantly. I even lost a game where I used the word ‘platinic’ for God’s sake.